My question is...why is something so bluntly obviously simple is so confusing and complicated to our feelings and hearts?

I've changed as a person ever since Dan and I broke up. I realized who I was as a person wasn't good and I wanted to be a better person, not somebody people talked bad about behind your back or faked being your friend. I hated who I was, I was so mean and revengeful and I couldn't stand NOT getting my way. I always threw fits and tantrums and would get revenge on anyone who crossed the wrong path with me. I complained a lot and was moody, people didn't like me very well and thought I was a snobby stupid arrogent teenager who was just evil. I had very very few friends because I annoyed them and I couldn't even stand myself half of the time. I was a liar and decetful and very selfish and only looked out for mself not to menchion very greedy and stingy with my money. So one day I decided I would watch a soap opera "As the world turns" on utube and I came across this charcter named Aaron Snyder. I thought he was really hot so I kind of payed special attention to his character and his part...and I noticed that he was very well liked and had many friends and rarely did people talk bad behind his back so I watched his personaity through the months on the show and I realized why people liked him so much besides his really good looks. He was nice to everyone and yeah he had his moments when he didn't like someone he would diss them but for the most part he didn't talk behind anyone's back at all. He always seemed to get in delemas where it was a no-win situation and he knew right from wrong and always picked right and in end things got worked out and if he lost a friend they would realize he was only doing what was right. He was always cheerful even if something was bugging him and was always there to listen and help his friends even when his problems were piling up high. He was always willing to help and he wasnt lazy or greedy or selfish he was for helping others even if they screwed him over. If someone hurt him he would just occupy himself with something else and he just was all around nice the kind of person I always wished I could be. He has become my role model and been taking the advice he gives others in the soap opera when they are going through hard-ships. I haven't noticed I changed until someone brings up a conversation and I am giving advice and then I am like...wow I really have changed!

So anyway today my friend and I got into a big fight over something so stupid. Basically it was because I felt he left me out of things like he'd invite me to go to the coffee shop and then he'd go talk with the people that work there and uninclude me because I don't know them and I don't really care for them so I just get out my phone and text. Well my friend comes by and she sees how I am feeling so her and I decide to go to this one restraunt to eat and he didn't want to go he wanted to sit and talk to them and take photos which was annoying. So he come to the restraunt and complains he has no money because of this trip were going on which I am giving him 200 dollars towards...and he complains I better not want any food so I tell the waitress no I just wanted a pepsi and that was it while he endulges on a BBQ chicken sandwich and beer. Well while we were talking he goes well if Carrie cannot go on this trip I can always go myself anyway. Which I don't know that hurt and annoyed me but I brushed it off...I was ticked off on the coffee shop thing, annoyed on the trip comment and then annoyed that his total came to 15 dollars for 2 things while hes saying I cannot get anything because he cannot afford it...well maybe if you didn't buy beer or food when you can eat at home you'd have some money? So anyway my friend, goes home and he takes me home and we have a major fight in my driveway. He asks me to tell him what is bugging me and why I am feeling sad or not happy and I tell him that I hate going to the coffee shop because I feel so left out and ignored that I was only invited because I am the pity girl. Well I tell him that and he just over-reacts about the whole thing like I was screwed if I didn't tell him what bugged me and I was screwed if I told him the truth. He started hitting his car saying he was horrible and he was never going to coffee shop again and I start to worry and I am like are you mad at me? He is like I will talk to you later, I ask again and same thing and to me a non direct answer means what I am asking is probably true. Well I let him go and I call my friend who I just was with because she knew what he did and heard what he said and I told her about the huge fight in the driveway and I was upset so she decided to pick me up and we went for ice cream at cold stone. He was texting her kinda going on about all his problems in his life and blah blah blah...and he goes from its all my fault to an im sorry carrie, you are right and I am wrong but I was to afraid to just admit it and you deserve better then me and then he goes into this sappy story about how I am to nice for him and to forgiving and I am like WTF, do you want me to break up with you? So marissa and I sat in her car in my drive way talking till about 11 tonight and things just became so clear to me...

I mean I was like to my freind look, why fight over pety stuff that don't matter. Everyone has their days but is this fight really worth our friendship and relationship? No, maybe if it was something more serious like stealing, faking me or using me then yes but this wasn't even worth the time we spent on it. I told him to just forget the fight and move on it happened we cannot change how today went but I wasn't going to argue about it and eventually he saw that and was like I am sorry you are right we are worth more then this and we were fine after that. I mean for once in my life it didn't matter who was wrong or who was right...what happened happened and I cannot change that and so why should I waste energy being mad or fighting about it? I just dropped it and moved on from it and eventually he did once he saw that too. I figured I wasn't going to make situation bad, he was blowing it bigger then it had to be and if we lost this friendship it was because he couldn't let it go not because of me. Then we got onto talking about revenge and hating people and I am like...I always was for revenge and hated people now I am like what is the point? Revenge and hate is only going to hurt you MORE in the end then it is the other person. Why put yourself through more pain when you can just move on? You are wasting time and energy on something that you cannot fix, change and understand. The more I thought about things the more I understood, why be mean to people I mean...its better to be nice to them. Everything in my past I just never understood why I did things. If something happens I shouldn't have pushed it I should have given my friends space and let things work out on its own not tried fixing it ASAP. Anyway the more I thought and more I talked to her the more everything became so clear and suddenly the whole world and life seemed so simple.

It would be so simple if you were fighting with someone to just be like...this isn't worth my time or energy and I could be more productive and happier and less stressed if I didn't get invovled in the drama and if the other person realized that then there would be peace on earth...but sadly the move obvious simple thing is just so confusing and complicated because of our emotions, feelings and hearts. There are so many ways I could have saved a friendship or relationship if I would have just done the simple thing. I am no longer going to fret over my ex-boyfriend and yes it hurts but I came to the realization tonight that...There is no point in worrying about things I cannot change, no point in getting upset over something I cannot control and no point in crying on something that is already gone. That is just a waste of my life, my time and my future. If somebody don't like or want me than that is their loss and God will take care of everything if not Karma will.

I mean my friend was putting words into my mouth, saying I think he will become a drunk and I am like I never said that I am not crazy about you drinking one beer or 2 then driving but I don't fear you becoming a drunk...I know he isn't stupid enough to loose his dream job of working with the government because of stupid beer...but it annoyed me he put words I never said in my mouth. Before I would have flown off the handle and told him I never said that and got all ticked off and then would have said he said something he didn't but the new me, I just rolled my eyes and I am like please don't put words into my mouth, I never said that then after I addressed that I got back onto the main point. I saved myself from making a fight get bigger then it was just by realizing some fights aren't worth it. Even my mom cannot believe how much I have changed, how much I have realized from breaking up with Dan. I still have a long way to go before I am happy with who I am but for now I am happy that I am understanding things so much clearer and starting to get the point on life.

At the end of the night, I felt so much better because my friend and I made up and I felt good about how I handled the situation and our first fight. I have learned from my mistakes and I feel more mature then I ever was before and I turned something that could have gone wrong into something that was nothing end fast and nobody was hurt. Latley I feel like there is this big weight that has been lifted off of my chest, its like my heart feels different. I am learning to not get stressed out over everything (granted I have my moments when the computer wont work!!) but I still have more learning to do but still feels good not getting mad or upset over every little thing like I use to or taking things so personally and learning to handle things better and end fights before they get bad.

So heres the rant part....I know that I shouldnt waste my tears or anger energy over something I cannot fix or change but even with something so simple as that my heart and emotions over-ride that and still make me cry and feel hurt over the big break-up...it is so annoying I can know something so simple but yet my emotions making it so complicated and confusing!! I don't know...but my friend liked my advice I gave her on stuff and she said I should become a pshycatrist instead lol...what do you think?